"Oh my gosh, I didn't even recognize you!"
This is the most common thing I have been hearing from everyone I see. This is usually followed by a compliment of some sort. As many times as I have heard this, it never gets easier to accept. I try to give my most genuine smile and give my sincere thanks. But I always feel....fake. I feel like the people complimenting me think that they have to say that. I know that this is probably not true. I'm sure most are being really genuine and are taken back by how different I look.... at least I hope this is the truth. However there is always that small part of me, Bertha, who won't let me just appreciate things for what they are. (see my blog about "Bertha")
There are times that I see a comparison photo of myself and I have a hard time believing that this is what I look like now. Sometimes when I walk past a mirror I have to do a double take to realize that it is my own reflection in the mirror. After years of seeing the overweight Sara it's not only hard to recognize but to accept the new "smaller" me.
I honestly did not think this surgery was going to be as successful as it has been for me. I was so afraid that I would remain forever overweight. Even now that I have lost over 80lbs I still have a hard time believing that I will every be a "normal" weight. I originally said I would happy to lose 100lbs. But now looking at myself, at pictures, comparing myself to others I wonder if that's going to be good enough. I don't want to be overweight. I want to be normal. And I honestly don't even know what normal is. I don't know what its going to take to get that. Will I feel normal at 135lbs (which is what my BMI says I should weigh). Will I feel normal at 150lbs? I have no idea. And part of me is scared of that. I'm scared that I will never feel good enough. That I will never be good enough.
Weight loss surgery has changed my relationship with food. I have had to learn to not use food as a crutch. I now eat to live, not live to eat. I have had to learn to take supplements and vitamins to remain healthy. I have had to learn how to balance life and my nutrition at the same time. I have had to learn how to defend myself to others who don't agree with my choice. But I still haven't learned how to accept myself. There are no classes or pre surgical seminars that can teach us that.
I know that no matter what I have no regrets with my choice. I feel 100% better than I did a year ago. My journey isn't over. And even though I am not sure exactly where this journey will take me I know that I am in a better place than where I started.
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| This was taken a month after surgery. |
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| This is today at 7 months post op |
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| My before and after in the same outfit |
