I'm almost three months post op from my RNY gastric bypass. I am starting to notice the emotional and mental challenges of this surgery. This is something I was warned about but I never really thought would happen to me. There is a part of my brain I like to call "Bertha". "Bertha" likes to think about all the bad foods that can make me sick. She tries to convince me that I'll always be the funny fat girl. I hate "Bertha". Although I have lost 50 lbs there are days when I still feel the same size I was before surgery. I know it's crazy but "Bertha" makes me think I should have lost more already and maybe this is it, this is all I'll ever lose. Maybe I am destined to be the fat girl with the pretty face after all. There is the rational part of my brain that realizes these are just head games and that "Bertha" needs to go fuck herself. But listening to others success stories are only more depressing. Instead of being happy for others I find myself comparing myself to them. I wonder, "What was their starting weight? They had surgery the same time as me, what do they weigh now?" It's all very toxic. I saw this before having surgery and I always kind of got annoyed at those people who would post about their doubts and question their weight loss while comparing themselves to others. Now I am one of those people. It's hard, it's hard not seeing quick results. It's hard to not give in to "Bertha" and just eat a damn pizza or order fries and onion rings. It's even worse when I don't see the scale move fast enough for me or if I'm still wearing the same size jeans after a month. "Bertha" is a bitch and I need to let her go. I need to be strong mentally as I continue my journey. I will not only change physically but mentally as well.
People keep telling me how great I look and that I get smaller every time they see me. I don't believe them. I would LOVE to believe them and take it as a genuine compliment but crazy "Bertha" has me convinced that I still look like the fat whale I was before. I find myself in awkward situations when people try to compliment me. I usually smile and say "thank you" but really I am thinking, "I wish it was more." I know I shouldn't be so negative. There are plenty of things I am thankful for and things that have changed already in just this small amount of weight loss. But "Bertha" likes to overshadow those things.
I have to remind myself that I didn't put this weight on overnight and it's not going to come off overnight either. Also when in my life have I lost 50lbs in less than 3 months?! Comparing myself to others is dangerous and unrealistic. Everyone of them started at different weights than me, some having more to lose, some were less to start with. Everyone has different types of surgery and every one's body is different and will loss at its own pace.
I will continue to repeat these positive thoughts. I continue to go to support groups for bariatric patients where I can express my thoughts and feelings to others who have been there. I continue to battle "Bertha" and refuse to let her control my life. I will show her and everyone else that I am more than just a pretty face.
