For most of my life I've had to shop in the plus size section. Anytime I went into a store that was the first thing I would look for. If the stores didn't have a plus size section there was no need for me to go there and I would turn around and walk out. There were also certain stores and sections of stores that I wouldn't shop in because I was too embarrassed to go in. These were my "forbidden" sections. Being plus size I knew I would look silly shopping in those areas when clearly the clothes wouldn't fit.
At 3 1/2 months post op and down 60 lbs I no longer fit into plus size clothing. While generally someone would be very happy about this accomplishment, I found myself overwhelmed with emotions.
I picked out several pairs of pants to try on in different styles and brands all in my new estimated size. I stress the estimated because I wasn't even positive on what size I needed. I knew the 20's that I had on were too big but I wasn't convinced that an 18 would fit. Normally when I go into a fitting room it is a depressing situation because nine times out of 10 the clothes that I've picked out don't fit. They're either too small, too tight, my rolls are showing or they're just unflattering. This day however I had a completely different experience in the changing room, the pants that I was trying on were too big, too baggy or too loose. Now this is something that I've never had to deal with before. So as I sat in that fitting room there was a part of me that was overjoyed with the fact that I went from a size 24 to an 18. But then there was the part of me that was in complete shock of the fact that I've never had a problem with clothes being too big. I wasn't sure what to do next, I didn't even know what department of the store to go to and I was afraid to look in those previously "forbidden" sections. I came out of the fitting room and continued aimlessly browsing. A saleslady then saw me and I don't know if I looked as lost as I felt but she asked me if I needed help finding anything. I explained what I was looking for and she took me back over to one of the previously "forbidden" sections where I was able to find pants that actually fit. While talking to the sales lady I told her that I had lost a lot of weight and was unsure what area I needed to be shopping in. I questioned her on the petite section being that I'm short stature, measuring in a 5'2'. I wondered if I would find pants that would better fit me length wise. Again the petite section was one of those previously "forbidden" section. I always assumed that the petite section was for little, skinny, tiny women. Come to find out the petite section is made for ordinary women that just happen to be short stature. And guess what, they carried a size 18 in the petite section and even better those 18 petites fit me!
I learned that I am no longer limited to the plus size section. This was huge for me. I sat in the fitting room and had all I could do to hold back from crying. I did however burst into tears as soon as I got into my car. I cried happy tears, but I also cried for the old me. The me who I let down and the person I had let myself become. The realization that I had limited myself to so much in life, not just clothing. It was a very overwhelming moment but I know one that other weight loss patients can relate to.
I can only assume that the saleslady thought that I was lost. But I don't think she had any idea the real depth of how lost and confused I really was. Not only am I lost while shopping for new clothes, I have lost the person I used to be. I am struggling to find where I fit in. Who am I really without all the excess baggage that weighed me down for so many years? Being lost isn't always a bad thing. I know that I had to lose myself to find out who I really am. I know this much, I am so much more than just a pretty face.
Here is my 3.5 month comparrison photo.
