Letting go of "Bertha"

I'm almost three months post op from my RNY gastric bypass. I am starting to notice the emotional and mental challenges of this surgery. This is something I was warned about but I never really thought would happen to me. There is a part of my brain I like to call "Bertha". "Bertha" likes to think about all the bad foods that can make me sick. She tries to convince me that I'll always be the funny fat girl. I hate "Bertha". Although I have lost 50 lbs there are days when I still feel the same size I was before surgery. I know it's crazy but "Bertha" makes me think I should have lost more already and maybe this is it, this is all I'll ever lose. Maybe I am destined to be the fat girl with the pretty face after all. There is the rational part of my brain that realizes these are just head games and that "Bertha" needs to go fuck herself. But listening to others success stories are only more depressing. Instead of being happy for others I find myself comparing myself to them. I wonder, "What was their starting weight? They had surgery the same time as me, what do they weigh now?" It's all very toxic. I saw this before having surgery and I always kind of got annoyed at those people who would post about their doubts and question their weight loss while comparing themselves to others. Now I am one of those people. It's hard, it's hard not seeing quick results. It's hard to not give in to "Bertha" and just eat a damn pizza or order fries and onion rings. It's even worse when I don't see the scale move fast enough for me or if I'm still wearing the same size jeans after a month. "Bertha" is a bitch and I need to let her go. I need to be strong mentally as I continue my journey. I will not only change physically but mentally as well. 

People keep telling me how great I look and that I get smaller every time they see me. I don't believe them. I would LOVE to believe them and take it as a genuine compliment but crazy "Bertha" has me convinced that I still look like the fat whale I was before. I find myself in awkward situations when people try to compliment me. I usually smile and say "thank you" but really I am thinking, "I wish it was more." I know I shouldn't be so negative. There are plenty of things I am thankful for and things that have changed already in just this small amount of weight loss. But "Bertha" likes to overshadow those things.


I have to remind myself that I didn't put this weight on overnight and it's not going to come off overnight either. Also when in my life have I lost 50lbs in less than 3 months?! Comparing myself to others is dangerous and unrealistic. Everyone of them started at different weights than me, some having more to lose, some were less to start with. Everyone has different types of surgery and every one's body is different and will loss at its own pace.


I will continue to repeat these positive thoughts. I continue to go to support groups for bariatric patients where I can express my thoughts and feelings to others who have been there. I continue to battle "Bertha" and refuse to let her control my life. I will show her and everyone else that I am more than just a pretty face.

My New Normal

I am two months Post op RNY. I am happy and thankful to report that I haven't had any major complications since surgery. One of my biggest fears about having the surgery was regretting it. I feared I wouldn't be able to follow the rules or I would forget all the things I was supposed to do. I was terrified that I would have some horrible complication and end up needing more surgeries and regret my decision for the rest of me life. I know there are still risk and always will be. 

Things are starting to become more of a habit for me and get easier daily. My days are very much based on routine. Protein shake for breakfast along with morning dose of medications. Three small meals consisting of lunch, dinner and a snack later, all of which are based on protein. Following doses of medication are usually taken with each meal. Anywhere I go I bring my water bottle with me. If going out of town or on a road trip I pack an extra drink and food just in case. 

Eating out is no longer an enjoyable event. I had my first meal at a restaurant since surgery at about 7 weeks post op. I was out of town with my fiancé and we had a date night. The food was delicious and thankfully my pouch agreed with it. However the sights and smells of the other food was so overwhelming and tempting. Let's face it, they removed most of my stomach but I still have the brain of a food addict. I still want/crave that side of onion rings and a big cheesy pizza. However I know that if I ate that my body would retaliate against me. The simple pleasures I do indulge in, like a few chips and salsa at the Mexican place are far and few between. I eat them knowing they are purely for pleasure and contain no protein. I feel guilty, but satisfied. At dinner I order a cheeseburger, no bun, no sides. The waitress ask again if I want something to drink. Again I answer, "no drink for me". It's awkward and annoying but it's my new normal. 

Everyone I run into ask me the same question, "How are you feeling?". EVERYONE, EVERYDAY. I get it, their trying to be nice. But honestly it gets old and annoying. Let the record state that I am GOOD. I had surgery two months ago and for the most part I am healed. I look normal, act normal, I am normal. I just eat differently. I feel like people are waiting for me to spill my guts and confess how much I hate this surgery and what a mistake it was. I know a lot of people have a misconception of what the surgery is and what it entails. But honestly, I have never been happier. I feel great, I have no complaints and feel blessed. 

I am blessed that I have a great support system of friends and family. They have always been there for me and continue to be on my journey of health. I couldn't have done this without them. For that I am thankful. 

For now I continue to learn each day something new about this journey. It's challenging but worth it. I am looking forward to a future where I can experience all the normal things in life and be considered more than just a pretty face. I'm looking forward to living. 

Starting Over

It's been three weeks since I had gastric bypass aka; Roux en Y. My laparoscopic incisions are healing fine and I am able to do most of my daily routine and household chores as before. I still have a weight limit of 10 lbs. Since I am still healing I cannot strain those stomach muscles just yet. I tend to get tired very easily. This is something very common for weight loss patients. This period of time and over the next few months are expected to very difficult emotionally, mentally and physically. I am literally learning to live with a new body. I cannot tell when I am full, I do not feel full. I do not really feel hunger. I have head hunger, which is a mental battle all in itself. Why is it I have to see 100 Pizza Hut commercials now that I can't eat pizza?! Although I cannot feel when I am full I know that if I eat too much it will make me sick. I think I tend to eat too little in fear of overeating. My entire day is spent either drinking or eating. It is calculated down to the minute. Since I will be on such a strict schedule when I return to work (as a teacher's aide at school) I have to have it planned precisely.  For those that don't know, I cannot drink 30 minutes before I eat or 30 minutes after I eat. And no drinking at meals, EVER AGAIN. As you can imagine this has been difficult to adjust to. Try it out, sit down to dinner without a drink. And once your done wait 30 minutes before you have something to drink. It's not easy but this is my new reality. I currently am only allowed to eat puréed consistancy foods. So if I don't actually purée my food I still have to sit there and chew it up into a puréed texture. I have to eat very slow so I give my "pouch" (stomach) time to process the food and not to overeat. Every time I eat something new there is a chance my pouch won't agree and it could make me sick. I am learning to eat slow and pay attention to how my pouch reacts. I never know what may upset it. Everything I eat has to be measured. I track everything. It's annoying, tedious and I hate it. But this is my life. This surgery isn't just a quick fix. I agreed to do my part and this is part of it. Now on top of trying to get in at least 64oz of water and 60g of protein I also have to take 12 vitamins/pills a day. And they CANNOT all be at the same time or they won't absorb. Most of them are chewable at this point, they are easier for me to take. However taking the vitamins is like a meal itself. By the time I'm done with my morning dose I am too full to want to drink my damn shake for breakfast! And I don't care how many flavors or kinds of vitamins there are, they are all nasty after a while. Same goes for the protein shakes! 

Sound like fun yet?! Don't get me wrong, nobody told me it would be fun. In fact I was warned that I would have regrets in the beginning because it's so hard. So far I don't regret anything. I miss my comfort foods. I miss sitting down with a bowl of popcorn to watch my favorite TV show. But I'm happy that I haven't had a headache since the day of surgery. I can sleep well without my sleep apnea mask and I can fit into a smaller size jeans! I have a long list of reasons why I had this surgery. Some possibly too personal to share on here. I have already achieved a few of those goals. I can see the light at the end of this road and I remind myself daily why I chose this journey. I want to live instead of merely existing. One day at a time I'm getting there but first I'm starting over. 

Your Assumptions Are Wrong

Every time I tell someone that I had gastric bypass they suddenly become a bariatric specialist. Here's the thing, I don't care if you know someone who had surgery. That doesn't make you an expert. If you want to give me advice you better have had the surgery yourself or studied in bariatrics. Most of what people say to me or my fiancé are inconsiderate, uneducated, assumptions based on what they have heard from a friend of a friend who had surgery. Here are some facts; 

1. Gastric bypass isn't the easy way out. I voluntarily had life changing surgery that has forever altered the way I eat. I have made a commitment to eat right, exercise and to take vitamin supplements the rest of my life to achieve my goals. I am learning to eat all over again, like a baby. I am unfamiliar with my own body and how things work. It's a learning process. 

2. Gastric bypass isn't a magical fix all. It is a "tool" and with the right plan it will help me achieve a healthy lifestyle. If I don't put in my effort to exercise and eat right, it won't work. 

3. Gastric bypass patients cannot control how much weight they lose. I feel the need to point this out because so many people say "don't lose too much, you will look sick". We CANNOT control it. Once we hit our plateau which is about 18 months post op we can try to gain more weight if we feel the need or work on maintaining. 

4. "What about the lose skin?" Well, what about it? Yes we will have lose skin. Yes we can try to tone it but it doesn't always help. But honestly who the hell cares about the lose skin. It's no better than the fat rolls! I'd rather have lose skin and be able to enjoy my life than fat rolls that hold me back. 

5. Just because I have shared my journey with some people doesn't mean I want every stranger or acquaintance asking me personal information. For example, asking me or my fiancé how much weight I have lost. If it's not okay to ask someone who is dieting, or just had a baby or had chemotherapy then it's not okay to ask me. Stop being nosy, instead offer encouraging words and compliments. 

6. Everyone has this surgery for different reasons. I had mine to save my life. I was merely surviving, I wasn't living. I didn't have this surgery so I could be a size 2 and be a fashionista (that's just a bonus) I had this surgery to better my health, to start a family and start living. 

7. This is the most IMPORTANT thing to remember; 

I am beautiful. I have ALWAYS been beautiful. My fiancé thinks I'm gorgeous just the way I am. However some people are very ignorant and make comments like "You're going to be so stunning." & "You better lock her up because she is going to be so beautiful." 

Just because I am overweight doesn't mean I am unattractive. Society labels overweight people as unattractive lazy slobs. I've never been unattractive, I'm not lazy and I'm not a slob. I'm the beautiful, young, vibrant, funny, artistic, loyal, hardworking, lovable women trapped inside an overweight body. But not for long....

Becoming More Than Just A Pretty Face

I have been overweight most of my life, since I can remember. From early on I was shamed into thinking that my weight was an issue. I can remember my father saying "she is going to end up just like...." filling in the blank with someone we knew who was morbidly obese. I know he meant well and was concerned for me but the way he showed it was wrong.

My whole life I've inadvertently been the funny fat girl and the girl with "the pretty face". I had grown to accept my overweight life. I began to think that was all I would ever be. I had family, friends and a fiancé who loved me regardless of my weight. It wasn't until I started to notice the health affects that my weight had on me that I new something had to change. I had chronic headaches, plantar fasciitis, heel spurs and sleep apnea. I was working two jobs, sun up till sun down. By the time I got home I could barely walk and was in so much pain I wanted to cry. I hobbled round like an 80 yr old. This terrified me. I knew the heel spurs and plantar facilities wouldn't just go away, if anything they would get worse. What if I ended up with a walker or wheel chair!? I was only 29 years old and refused to be immobile simple because of my weight. Daily task like walking up two flights of stairs was painful on my joints, I couldn't keep up with the fast paced work environment. I had to explain to my 7 year old niece why I couldn't go to the water park with her. Because I knew I wouldn't be able to walk the park all day on my sore feet. I refused to go kayaking with my fiancé because I feared not being to fit in the kayak. Public events that required a lot of walking were out of the question. Fear of not fitting in the stadium seating at the Buffalo game almost prevented us from going. My weight had officially gotten in the way of my life. I want to do all of those things plus 100 other things that I knew I couldn't do at the weight I was at. I want children. I want to marry the man of my dreams and start a family. But I want to be able to play with my kids and take them on adventures without being held back. I knew I had to make a change. Diet and exercise never worked for me. And at this point exercise was hard to do since I had all I could do to make it through the work day. That's when I consulted with a Bariatric Doctor. I needed to make a change before it was too late. I had wasted too many years being overweight and just surviving, I wanted to LIVE. 

This is my journey of Gastric Bypass. My struggle to change my life, become a healthier person, live life and become more than "just a pretty face".