Reflection

One Year Milestone:
Last year at this time I was being wheeled back into the operating room to have 80% of my stomach removed. I was terrified of the journey I was about to embark on but excited for a second chance to better my health. It's been a life changing year for me. I've had great success with my gastric bypass with little to no complications. I've changed so much physically and learned so much along the way.

Changes:
Throughout my journey I have become more open about my surgery, originally I didn't want anyone to know. Now I am pretty open as long as people aren't rude about it. I feel like I can and want to help others who may be considering weight loss surgery. I want to give people the truth about gastric bypass. The good, the bad and everything in between. I am lucky to have found some great support groups and met some really amazing people who've helped me along the way.

Knowledge is Power:
I was terrified by some of the things I read pre op. Which actually was a good thing. It was good for me because so many people jump into this surgery without truly understanding all the dedication, commitment, sacrifice and risk that are involved. I wanted to know all the good and bad things to look for. Being a gastric bypass patient you NEED to be your own advocate, for the rest of  your life. You cannot walk into this surgery blindly and expect success. Hell, even with all the knowledge and research in the world success is difficult.

The Struggle is Never Over:
The biggest struggle and concept to understand is that this surgery changes your stomach but it does NOT change your mind. My best friend recently told me how proud of me she is. When I told her that I'm scared I'll gain the weight back she said "No, you wouldn't let that happen". I don't think she really understands like most people the true struggle of a food addict.
If you are a food addict, a compulsive eater, an over eater, an emotional eater or a binge eater, you will STILL be one even after surgery. I was a food addict. I have lost 112lbs, I have a stomach the size of a kiwi and I am STILL a food addict. Everyday is a battle of choices. Choosing to eat protein (which sustains me), choosing to stay away from carbs or choosing not to eat chips, popcorn or a turkey sub is a constant battle. I love chicken wings, french fries, pizza and pasta probably more than the next girl. Even while knowing that those things could physically make me sick or gain back my weight I am still tempted and sometimes do cave in and eat them.

Reality:
Before surgery you have to pass a psychological exam along several test to check your lungs and heart to make sure you're healthy enough to have surgery. After surgery however, there is no psychological exam. There is no follow up to make sure you are handling the life changing self image issues productively. The doctors may warn you that you can get depressed after surgery due to the change in your hormones etc.
They didn't tell me that even after losing 112lbs I would still see the same 263lb girl in the mirror. They didn't tell me that I would criticize every little jiggly part of my body. They don't prepare you for all the compliments you will receive and the way your sick twisted mind is going to turn them into something negative. Or that the new politeness from strangers and co workers who didn't pay you any attention before will just anger you. And the desire to burn every picture from your past to hide the person you used to be will cross your mind.
They didn't tell me that this journey was harder mentally than physically.

Don't get me wrong, I have a list just as long of things I am grateful for that without this surgery I wouldn't have or be able to do. I made my list of reasons why I needed WLS before I ever had surgery. I can happily say that I have been able to cross off most of my list within just one year. There are pros and cons to everything in life. For me the quality of life, my health, energy, confidence, freedom and happiness were worth more than the risks associated with weight loss surgery.

I feel the need to share my struggles just as much as my triumphs. My weight loss journey wasn't easy. The decision to have surgery wasn't easy. The surgery and recovery weren't easy. The new life style and mental changes that came with the physical changes are not easy. Not everything in life is easy. But it's worth it.

Questions:
Do I have any regrets? Maybe one. Not having surgery sooner and wasting too much of my life merely existing.
Advice? Do your own research. Question everything, even the doctors. Be prepared for the mental struggle after surgery. Be prepared to explain yourself to inquiring minds or have some kind of explanation on how you lost your weight. Because people will ask. Don't be ashamed. Take pride in the fact you made a decision to save your life. Follow your doctors and nutritionist plan. Stick to the rules and remember why you had this surgery.
Most importantly, don't EVER forget where you started. It will always push you to go further.

Exactly one year apart 

Exactly one year apart. 

Accepting Average

So much has changed over the past year. One year ago I was planning my gastric bypass surgery. I remember thinking; this is too good to be true, there is no way this surgery is going to work. I thought it (I) would fail, just like every other diet I had tried in my life. I was preparing for life after surgery which would include the inevitable "how have you lost all your weight?" questions. Before surgery I didn't want anyone to know that I was about to undergo surgery. I didn't want to deal with the questions, the comments, and criticism. I made a Facebook post closer to the date to inform those who I trusted and wanted support from. But to everyone else, I wanted to keep my personal choice private. I am still private for the most part about my journey. But the further out I get and more weight I lose, I get more people asking me "how". I got tired real quick of trying to give the vague "I've cut back my portions and cut out carbs etc" speech. It's not that I was lying, just omitting information. But I felt like people would just staring at me waiting for me to tell them more. I live in such a small town and work for a school district where everyone knows everything about each other.  I knew that most people already knew the truth and just wanted to hear it from me to confirm the "rumors". For me trying to hide the truth about my journey almost made me feel like I was still carrying an extra weight. I decided to be open about my journey and if people want to judge me or criticize me then that's their issue. I have gained so much confidence and self love that I don't care what other people think of me.

It is weird now to have people compliment me so much. I was so used to going unnoticed or ignored. But now there isn't a single day that goes by where someone doesn't compliment me or my outfit. It's flattering but still awkward. I don't know if I'll ever believe it when someone tells me I am "not fat" or calls me "skinny minnie". It's surreal because before surgery I wanted to be known as more than just a pretty face. It appears that I am now officially more than just a pretty face. I am a healthy, average sized, fashionable, funny, outgoing, talented, beautiful, sexy, loving, caring woman. Now I just have to accept that I am no longer obese. I am average and there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that. 

Me 2013-2015

My Fiancé and I two weeks before my surgery and post 10 Months. 

My Fiancé and I two weeks before my surgery and post 10 Months.

12/14-10/15

I HATE this old picture of me. But I'm so thankful my Fiancé took this so I have it to compare. 

Again the horrible before picture and a current picture 10 months out and down 100lbs. 

Recognizing Myself

**It's been seven months since I had gastric bypass surgery. I can honestly say that the last seven months have flown by. I have been blessed to have had great success with my surgery. A month ago I attended my six month follow up where my doctor was very happy with my progress. As of this morning I have lost 86lbs. This means I am only 14lbs from my original goal of losing 100lbs!!**

"Oh my gosh, I didn't even recognize you!"

This is the most common thing I have been hearing from everyone I see. This is usually followed by a compliment of some sort. As many times as I have heard this, it never gets easier to accept. I try to give my most genuine smile and give my sincere thanks. But I always feel....fake. I feel like the people complimenting me think that they have to say that. I know that this is probably not true. I'm sure most are being really genuine and are taken back by how different I look.... at least I hope this is the truth. However there is always that small part of me, Bertha, who won't let me just appreciate things for what they are. (see my blog about "Bertha")

There are times that I see a comparison photo of myself and I have a hard time believing that this is what I look like now. Sometimes when I walk past a mirror I have to do a double take to realize that it is my own reflection in the mirror. After years of seeing the overweight Sara it's not only hard to recognize but to accept the new "smaller" me.

I honestly did not think this surgery was going to be as successful as it has been for me. I was so afraid that I would remain forever overweight. Even now that I have lost over 80lbs I still have a hard time believing that I will every be a "normal" weight. I originally said I would happy to lose 100lbs. But now looking at myself, at pictures, comparing myself to others I wonder if that's going to be good enough. I don't want to be overweight. I want to be normal. And I honestly don't even know what normal is. I don't know what its going to take to get that. Will I feel normal at 135lbs (which is what my BMI says I should weigh). Will I feel normal at 150lbs? I have no idea. And part of me is scared of that. I'm scared that I will never feel good enough. That I will never be good enough.

Weight loss surgery has changed my relationship with food. I have had to learn to not use food as a crutch. I now eat to live, not live to eat. I have had to learn to take supplements and vitamins to remain healthy. I have had to learn how to balance life and my nutrition at the same time. I have had to learn how to defend myself to others who don't agree with my choice. But I still haven't learned how to accept myself. There are no classes or pre surgical seminars that can teach us that.

I know that no matter what I have no regrets with my choice. I feel 100% better than I did a year ago. My journey isn't over. And even though I am not sure exactly where this journey will take me I know that I am in a better place than where I started.

This was taken a month after surgery. 

This is today at 7 months post op

My before and after in the same outfit

Five Month Update

So there is this thing called a BMI chart. Apparently it's one way you can determine if you're a healthy weight. According to my BMI before surgery I had a BMI of 48, meaning I was severely obese. According to the chart I need to weigh 135lbs to be considered a "healthy weight". However there is more to determining your healthy weight other than just your BMI. Your doctor usually tells you where they think you should be and what other factors to take into consideration. For me weighing 263lbs and having a BMI of 48 I felt unhealthy. I was always tired and suffered from sleep apnea. I had chronic headaches, joint pain, planter fasciitis, heel spurs and prehypertension.

I am officially 5 months post op from my RNY surgery. I have lost 72lbs and I am about 30lbs from my original goal which would be a total loss of 100lbs. However even after 100lbs lost I would be considered to be "overweight". I would need to lose 56 more pounds to be in a "healthy" range and weigh 135lbs. Right now hearing this out loud I am thinking there is no way I will make it to 135lbs. I do not want to put any pressure on myself to be a certain weight. I want to be healthy but I don't know if I want to rely on a BMI chart to tell me what healthy is. As long as I don't have high blood pressure, sleep apnea, diabetes, joint pain, chronic headaches, foot pain, back pain, and can get pregnant I will be happy. I feel good right now. I haven't had the chronic headaches I used to have. I don't have heel pain or planter fasciitis. I can wear heels again and suffer no foot pain. I haven't used my CPAP machine in about two months. I have more energy and confidence.

I don't want to be one of those people who is fixated on the number they see on the scale. However it is hard to not obsess over the number and compare where I am at to everyone else who is on a similar journey. I sure do love being able to go into stores now and buy clothing off the rack. It's crazy that sometimes the clothes are too big!! I no longer am limited to the "plus size" clothing stores or sections. I no longer have to order from the exclusive "online" only departments. However this is double edged sword because my pocket book is feeling the pain now. I think I may be developing a shopping addiction!

Honestly, I am enjoying the ride. Right now I know I am still in the "honeymoon" phase. I will continue to lose weight, within reason, without much effort on my part. I anticipate that once I lose the first 100lbs I will slow down and possibly reach a stall. After I reach my goal and I am at least 12 months out it will by much harder to lose the weight and keep it off. I am doing my part my changing what I eat and my relationship with food. Finding a balance of what I consume and exercise is essential for long term success.

I am looking forward to this summer and hopefully being able to do some things I have on my "bucket list". It's little things that other people may take for granted but things that I haven't been able to do because of my weight. There are things I was too embarrassed to try, places I was afraid to go, things that were too hard to do at my highest weight. I am looking forward to trying these and many other first along the way.

Sharing My Experience. Tips and Tricks

I have seen many people ask the same questions time and time again about the surgery and preparation of it. With questions like, what is it going to be like after surgery? What should I bring with me to the hospital? I have decided to make a post specifically for those questions. Now remember my advice and my experience was backed by my doctor and support staff. Always check with your doctor ahead of time. 

I cannot stress enough how important it is to do your own research ahead of time. And that doesn't mean just going online to a support group and asking them questions. Yes you can get valuable information from those sites, I still use them today. However everyone on there will have a different experience, some more rare than others. Some people will be "know it alls" and really they know nothing. The point is you want real medical studies, information from top bariatric related hospitals and doctors. And I will warn you, you're going to find a lot of mixed information. Some doctors tell you one thing and your doctor will tell you another thing. That is why it is important to do your own research and make your own informed decisions. Please be your own advocate! 

I know going to the first seminar and initial consultation can be intimidating. But trust me, they are there to help you and they are not going to judge you. The important thing is to be honest with them. Don't lie about the secret stash of skittles you keep in the car or the late night snacks you have. Tell them about your tendency to overeat while stressed out or depressed. All of this will help them make an informed decision on which surgery if any will work best for you. Be prepared to share your entire health history and they will schedule further testing for everything else.  

The whole process can take months to years. Every ones journey is different, in many ways. My entire  pre op journey was about 6 months. My insurance didn't require a 6 month nutritional class or diet. Some insurances require different things. And some insurances will not want to cover the surgery at all. I was lucky and had no issues with either of those. I had to attend several nutritional classes and informational seminars as part of the process. These were required by the bariatric unit that I went through at the hospital. Expect to have to pay some out of pocket expenses for these classes and nutritional classes. I had to pay for them and the psychologist visit. However you can usually choose who you want to see and pick the doctor with the lower fee. 

I was kinda of just going through the motions the entire time until I got my approval. I went from one appointment to the next. I had lots of blood work and all sorts of test done. I took pages of notes and asked lots of questions. But it was all so surreal until I got the approval. When I got the news I cried because I didn't believe this was really going to happen. Once it set in and got closer to the date I started to panic and thought "Oh my God, I am not ready, what am I doing?" I started to question everything I had learned, and didn't think I had enough information to make the decision. I was scared. It is completely normal to feel this way. You will panic, you will question yourself. Remind yourself why you need this surgery. While in the process of getting approval I made a list of all the things I couldn't do because of my weight. I made a list of all the things I wanted to do and haven't done yet because my weight had held me back. On the days you second guess yourself go take a look at your list. You'll quickly remember why you are making this decision. 

The Pre Op Diet..... Oh My God.....Yeah its pretty bad hahaha But ya know what? We didn't come  this far to give up now! And honestly this is the hardest part. What makes is so damn hard is the fact we are basically quitting our food addiction overnight. We quit cold turkey. I had been trying to eat better since the beginning of my journey. But the last few days before I started my pre op diet, which last 2 weeks, I kinda of went on a "last meal" binge. Again, this is not something I condone but a lot of us do it. I wasn't eating a lot just eating things I was afraid I wouldn't be able to have again. Once the diet started the first few days weren't so bad. I was lucky that I didn't have any major withdrawals from caffeine or anything. Some people go through that, I suggest trying to break the habit ahead of time. Try to find a meal replacement shake you like ahead of time. My diet consist of four shakes a day. I had to make sure that I could tolerate them. Also drink lots of water in-between, to help make you feel full. Every Doctor is different and every pre op diet is different. You have to work with what you're allowed to eat. Mine was one of the better ones I think. However around day 6 I was struggling. My Fiancé wanted to go get fast food for himself (since I refused to cook those two weeks) and I was craving something more substantial than soup and jello! I had him get me chicken tenders. I savored every single bite of those. But as soon as I was done I regretted eating them. I felt like a failure. I thought, I can't even make it through the 2 week diet how am I going to make this lifestyle change? But ya know what, I made it. So I stumbled a little. I got back up and brushed myself off and I kept going. I finished my two week diet and had no complications during surgery. 

Preparing your overnight bag for the hospital really isn't rocket science. People love to over do it when it comes to this. I'm telling you now that whatever you pack you wont use 80% of it. Just bring comfy clothes for the car ride home. While at the hospital you wont care about that your dressed in. I didn't even care that my ass was hanging out while I walked the hallways. Bring a pillow. Use it to hold against your tummy while walking, sitting down, standing up and the car ride home. I brought Gas X strips, those are a lifesaver. You can bring all your medication, the doctors and nurses will let you know what to take if anything. If you have a CPAP machine, bring that. Most importantly, don't forget clean underwear and deodorant. I brought toothpaste and toothbrush but honestly I had all I could do to shower I didn't have the energy to brush my teeth. 

The morning of surgery I was pretty calm. We made the two hour drive to the hospital and got all signed in. I had a major headache that morning. Part of it was the fact I had nothing to eat or drink in like 12 hours and I think the anxiety was setting in. By the time I got into my gown and set up in my recovery room I just wanted something to make my migraine go away. I was cold, dehydrated, they couldn't get a vein and my head was going to explode. I was still pretty calm until the nurses came in and told me they were going to wheel me down to the O.R. room. First of all, I had asked to be given something for my anxiety before leaving my prep/recovery room. Of course the men who came in weren't aware of that. But having them come in and try to take me so suddenly really set me off. It was so fast, I wasn't ready! I went into a panic and started blubbering like a baby. I asked my Fiance (God love him, he never left my side) if he thought this was a good idea, was I making a mistake? What if I couldn't do it? What if I failed? I was risking my life for this surgery and I wasn't even sure I had what it took to be successful. He reassured me that I had done all the research, I was making the best decision for me and I was going to be okay. As I was clinging to him crying the nurse gave me some "happy medicine" in my IV. He hugged me and kissed me and I faintly remember the lights on the ceiling, my toes being cold, being asked to "roll over onto the table Sara", "relax your arms dear", and someone placing the mask over my face and telling me "this is just air Sara, breath normal" They lied....It smelled funny......

When I awoke I can distinctly remember the pain in my abdomen and thinking "What the hell did I do!?" Don't worry, that's normal, you will have a few of those moments. You will be an emotional wreck the next few weeks. Make sure your family and friends are aware of this. At the hospital you will spend most of your time sleeping, walking, trying to go to the bathroom, and eating/sipping. Make sure you eat what they bring you. I ate a little bit and left the rest. I ended up staying an extra day because I wasn't eating enough. I didn't realize they were measuring and watching what I ate. I preferred to eat ice chips instead of drinking anything. Sugar Free Popsicles will be your best friend post and pre op. The most important thing is to get up and move. It will be uncomfortable and even hurt a bit but it gets better the more you do. If they don't see you up and walking they wont let you go home.

Once you are home you may become overwhelmed. Being alone without the guidance of a nurse or doctor can be intimidating. Thankfully I had my fiance here to help me. You should have food and vitamins already there. It's going to seem impossible to get all the liquid, protein and vitamins they want you to consume, it is. Just take your time, do what you can. It will get easier. I didn't take vitamins for three weeks after surgery. I only took a few kinds that I found that were sublingual and gummy. I know some doctors don't recommend gummy however I couldn't stomach anything else and figured they were better than nothing. When I went to my follow up I told my doctor I wasn't taking them yet because I had to order some online and was waiting. She was aware and supportive. I had purchased chewable forms of calcium prior but after surgery they made me want to vomit. Same thing with the shakes. The protein powder I had used all along tasted horrible to me now. It will be a trial and error process. Some days are better than others. You need to focus on sipping liquids to stay hydrated and walking. Believe it or not the pain comes from the gas thats trapped inside you. The Gas X strips help with that. I was never so happy to pass gas in my life! Just be careful, it may not always be just a fart!

You did it! You've made it this far, both reading this horribly long blog and in your journey! There is no going back now. The good news is that you've completed the hard part. Well kind of. You are now going to face an entirely new set of challenges. Those will be a topic for another blog. Trust me though, these struggles are less physically painful. They deal more with the mental and emotional struggles you will face after WLS. Remember nobody told us this journey would be easy. But we can sure as hell guarantee that it WILL be worth it. 

Much Love and Best Wishes on Your Journey. 

Losing Myself

I had my first major non-scale victory. And of all places it happened inside a JCPenney changing room. While shopping for some desperately needed new work pants I found myself lost trying to figure out which department I should be looking in. 

For most of my life I've had to shop in the plus size section. Anytime I went into a store that was the first thing I would look for. If the stores didn't have a plus size section there was no need for me to go there and I would turn around and walk out. There were also certain stores and sections of stores that I wouldn't shop in because I was too embarrassed to go in. These were my "forbidden" sections. Being plus size I knew I would look silly shopping in those areas when clearly the clothes wouldn't fit. 

At 3 1/2 months post op and down 60 lbs I no longer fit into plus size clothing. While generally someone would be very happy about this accomplishment, I found myself overwhelmed with emotions. 

I picked out several pairs of pants to try on in different styles and brands all in my new estimated size. I stress the estimated because I wasn't even positive on what size I needed. I knew the 20's that I had on were too big but I wasn't convinced that an 18 would fit. Normally when I go into a fitting room it is a depressing situation because nine times out of 10 the clothes that I've picked out don't fit. They're either too small, too tight, my rolls are showing or they're just unflattering. This day however I had a completely different experience in the changing room, the pants that I was trying on were too big, too baggy or too loose. Now this is something that I've never had to deal with before. So as I sat in that fitting room there was a part of me that was overjoyed with the fact that I went from a size 24 to an 18. But then there was the part of me that was in complete shock of the fact that I've never had a problem with clothes being too big. I wasn't sure what to do next, I didn't even know what department of the store to go to and I was afraid to look in those previously "forbidden" sections. I came out of the fitting room and continued aimlessly browsing. A saleslady then saw me and I don't know if I looked as lost as I felt but she asked me if I needed help finding anything. I explained what I was looking for and she took me back over to one of the previously "forbidden" sections where I was able to find pants that actually fit. While talking to the sales lady I told her that I had lost a lot of weight and was unsure what area I needed to be shopping in. I questioned her on the petite section being that I'm short stature, measuring in a 5'2'. I wondered if I would find pants that would better fit me length wise. Again the petite section was one of those previously "forbidden" section. I always assumed that the petite section was for little, skinny, tiny women. Come to find out the petite section is made for ordinary women that just happen to be short stature. And guess what, they carried a size 18 in the petite section and even better those 18 petites fit me! 

I learned that I am no longer limited to the plus size section. This was huge for me. I sat in the fitting room and had all I could do to hold back from crying. I did however burst into tears as soon as I got into my car. I cried happy tears, but I also cried for the old me. The me who I let down and the person I had let myself become. The realization that I had limited myself to so much in life, not just clothing. It was a very overwhelming moment but I know one that other weight loss patients can relate to. 

I can only assume that the saleslady thought that I was lost. But I don't think she had any idea the real depth of how lost and confused I really was. Not only am I lost while shopping for new clothes, I have lost the person I used to be. I am struggling to find where I fit in. Who am I really without all the excess baggage that weighed me down for so many years? Being lost isn't always a bad thing. I know that I had to lose myself to find out who I really am. I know this much, I am so much more than just a pretty face. 


Here is my 3.5 month comparrison photo. 

Letting go of "Bertha"

I'm almost three months post op from my RNY gastric bypass. I am starting to notice the emotional and mental challenges of this surgery. This is something I was warned about but I never really thought would happen to me. There is a part of my brain I like to call "Bertha". "Bertha" likes to think about all the bad foods that can make me sick. She tries to convince me that I'll always be the funny fat girl. I hate "Bertha". Although I have lost 50 lbs there are days when I still feel the same size I was before surgery. I know it's crazy but "Bertha" makes me think I should have lost more already and maybe this is it, this is all I'll ever lose. Maybe I am destined to be the fat girl with the pretty face after all. There is the rational part of my brain that realizes these are just head games and that "Bertha" needs to go fuck herself. But listening to others success stories are only more depressing. Instead of being happy for others I find myself comparing myself to them. I wonder, "What was their starting weight? They had surgery the same time as me, what do they weigh now?" It's all very toxic. I saw this before having surgery and I always kind of got annoyed at those people who would post about their doubts and question their weight loss while comparing themselves to others. Now I am one of those people. It's hard, it's hard not seeing quick results. It's hard to not give in to "Bertha" and just eat a damn pizza or order fries and onion rings. It's even worse when I don't see the scale move fast enough for me or if I'm still wearing the same size jeans after a month. "Bertha" is a bitch and I need to let her go. I need to be strong mentally as I continue my journey. I will not only change physically but mentally as well. 

People keep telling me how great I look and that I get smaller every time they see me. I don't believe them. I would LOVE to believe them and take it as a genuine compliment but crazy "Bertha" has me convinced that I still look like the fat whale I was before. I find myself in awkward situations when people try to compliment me. I usually smile and say "thank you" but really I am thinking, "I wish it was more." I know I shouldn't be so negative. There are plenty of things I am thankful for and things that have changed already in just this small amount of weight loss. But "Bertha" likes to overshadow those things.


I have to remind myself that I didn't put this weight on overnight and it's not going to come off overnight either. Also when in my life have I lost 50lbs in less than 3 months?! Comparing myself to others is dangerous and unrealistic. Everyone of them started at different weights than me, some having more to lose, some were less to start with. Everyone has different types of surgery and every one's body is different and will loss at its own pace.


I will continue to repeat these positive thoughts. I continue to go to support groups for bariatric patients where I can express my thoughts and feelings to others who have been there. I continue to battle "Bertha" and refuse to let her control my life. I will show her and everyone else that I am more than just a pretty face.